The Best Day

This weekend was an adventuring weekend; put together a sunny day, a group of random teenagers, and a full tank of gas and who knows what you'll get.
Accompanied, of course, by a plethora of pictures.

          

         

        

Hm...listen to Two Weeks and Cheerleader by Grizzly Bear.

mmm

It's been sunny. It's nice.

And when there is nothing left to pretend

we will know it's coming to an end.


Listen to Beach House, they're beautiful. I'm not even going to recommend a certain song, because they're all good. Well ok, try out Used To Be. And Zebra. 

I'm still sort of having an existential crisis. Which is ok, maybe. If you aren't questioning life, it means you have everything figured out, and how can anyone be sure?

Lately I've just been thinking a lot about the way we live our lives, always looking ahead and doing things for later on. We're always trying to set ourselves up for college, for a job, saving up for things, but when do we ever really get there? When do we have time to be happy and just live? Until we retire we're constantly working, and by that time life has worn most people out to the point where they can't even enjoy their freedom. 

I keep feeling as though I should just quit, just refuse to live this way and instead do whatever the hell I want and enjoy life, and yet I'm so worried I'd regret it later that I'm too afraid to. Again, the damn future is screwing me up. 

In other news, I think celibacy suits me. Not really. But I'm getting pretty used to it. See, there's this guy. Of course there is, that's how these things always start. And the way he looks at me makes me feel like he really sees me, just me (oh, how original). And I've liked him pretty seriously for over a year, and we're good friends, but nothing really happened other than me overanalyzing every little gesture, every text. And then he gets a girlfriend, who I introduced him to, of course, and doesn't tell me even though we hang out, and when someone tells me a little bit of my heart feels like it's crumbling away. And I deal. I tell myself maybe they aren't serious, or that I need to move on anyways, or that I'm fine on my own. We continue to be friends, though every time I see them together I can feel my heart and teeth clench and I have to concentrate on something in the distance. And then, and then, I find out he knows I like him. I'm humiliated, embarrassed, angry. I realize I need to stop deluding myself, that it really is time to move on. And I almost do. I stop talking to him other than short answers, stop texting him, stop saying hi in the hall. I'm amazed at my self-control. I'm friendly to his girlfriend, just to show how ok I really am with their relationship. And slowly, gradually, I start to let my guard down and somehow let myself be drawn into conversations with him. It's ridiculous that he does this to me, that he continues to allow me to believe I still have a chance when I so clearly don't, but he does and I'm helpless.