Procrastination

The Best Day

This weekend was an adventuring weekend; put together a sunny day, a group of random teenagers, and a full tank of gas and who knows what you'll get.
Accompanied, of course, by a plethora of pictures.

          

         

        

Hm...listen to Two Weeks and Cheerleader by Grizzly Bear.

mmm

It's been sunny. It's nice.

And when there is nothing left to pretend

we will know it's coming to an end.


Listen to Beach House, they're beautiful. I'm not even going to recommend a certain song, because they're all good. Well ok, try out Used To Be. And Zebra. 

I'm still sort of having an existential crisis. Which is ok, maybe. If you aren't questioning life, it means you have everything figured out, and how can anyone be sure?

Lately I've just been thinking a lot about the way we live our lives, always looking ahead and doing things for later on. We're always trying to set ourselves up for college, for a job, saving up for things, but when do we ever really get there? When do we have time to be happy and just live? Until we retire we're constantly working, and by that time life has worn most people out to the point where they can't even enjoy their freedom. 

I keep feeling as though I should just quit, just refuse to live this way and instead do whatever the hell I want and enjoy life, and yet I'm so worried I'd regret it later that I'm too afraid to. Again, the damn future is screwing me up. 

In other news, I think celibacy suits me. Not really. But I'm getting pretty used to it. See, there's this guy. Of course there is, that's how these things always start. And the way he looks at me makes me feel like he really sees me, just me (oh, how original). And I've liked him pretty seriously for over a year, and we're good friends, but nothing really happened other than me overanalyzing every little gesture, every text. And then he gets a girlfriend, who I introduced him to, of course, and doesn't tell me even though we hang out, and when someone tells me a little bit of my heart feels like it's crumbling away. And I deal. I tell myself maybe they aren't serious, or that I need to move on anyways, or that I'm fine on my own. We continue to be friends, though every time I see them together I can feel my heart and teeth clench and I have to concentrate on something in the distance. And then, and then, I find out he knows I like him. I'm humiliated, embarrassed, angry. I realize I need to stop deluding myself, that it really is time to move on. And I almost do. I stop talking to him other than short answers, stop texting him, stop saying hi in the hall. I'm amazed at my self-control. I'm friendly to his girlfriend, just to show how ok I really am with their relationship. And slowly, gradually, I start to let my guard down and somehow let myself be drawn into conversations with him. It's ridiculous that he does this to me, that he continues to allow me to believe I still have a chance when I so clearly don't, but he does and I'm helpless. 

The rat race

Back to school, and though I'm only a week or two in I'm already questioning the importance of a "good" education. It just seems like we spend our entire lives looking ahead; we go to school to get into a "good" college, so that we can find a "good" job, so that we can lead a "good" life, when really all this just means we're supposed to go make lots of money, be successful, and contribute to society.  

I'll probably keep going to my school and doing full IB and taking advanced classes and worrying about keeping my 4.0 GPA, but inside I'm dreaming of going back to my middle school where you could take whatever classes you wanted and learn in whatever way you wanted. At least as I'm sitting there memorizing how to transform functions and why Hydrogen bonds are so crucial secretly, deep inside, I know that it's all meaningless.

Through all of this, what my mother calls an existential crisis (and I guess she's right), music has kept me sane. I've discovered a few new bands I like, and went to a shit ton of concerts because it was NW Music Fest. Panda Bear, a member of Animal Collective (I got the above shirt there, it's for this prolonged music video type thing), was incredible, The Thermals were fucking fantastic (I'm in love with Kathy), and The Shaky Hands were pretty damn good as well.

Somehow I haven't said this before, but go check out The Thermals (even though they're 100 times better live).

Bottle it up

Sometimes I just have way too many emotions boiling around inside, and so I tend to turn the music up and go take weird pictures. Somehow, photography is the best distraction.

You can hold on but I wouldn't waste your time

It seems lately all I've been doing is waiting for things to happen, and they rarely do. I guess the obvious solution is to make my own future, so cheers to that. 

A couple bands from my school played tonight so I went to that which was pretty fun, though a couple people flaked on coming which was too bad.

Well its 3 am and I have registration for school tomorrow (ugh) so I really really need to go to bed.

I've been stuck on Black Balloon by The Kills all day, so go take a listen.

I had a couple mopey days, but I'm feeling better thanks to large amounts of food, some good friends, and nice socks.

I had a very disappointing day though; I went to Target in search of super hero underwear, but all the boys boxers were too small and then mens superhero underwear all came in large sizes. Fail. Next I went to Ikea in search of ramekins (those little dishes you make creme brulee in) and they didn't have them! It was appalling! Its ok though, because last night I went to see Iron Man 2 (again) with some friends at a local theater. If you're still going to regal cinemas or whatever huge evil bloodsucking theater is in your town, stop! I've found local places to be cheaper ($2.50 for Iron Man), friendlier, and often comfier as well.

Oh, and please, for your sake, go listen to Peter Bjorn and John, a Swedish indie rock band I've been listening to nonstop for the last week or two.

Alone

Why don't you return my letters?

Listening from the sidelines

Will parents ever start being the people they should? I feel like I'll never have a successful relationship because I've seen so many be screwed up.

Oh the Possibilities

So since my Aunt is visiting I've had to stay in my little sister's room, however she has quite the collection of interesting things so it wasn't too bad...She'd kill me if she knew I was playing dress up with her things, but I just couldn't resist the purple bob.

What do you think? Is it me?

Today I had a lovely time downtown with my friend Sammi; we browsed in overpriced boutiques full of treasures I drooled over, I got a fabulous old necklace that was 75% off, and we ordered drinks at Starbucks as Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne (I ordered first and the woman spelled my name "Toni" on the cup which sucked and didn't even put Stark, but by the time she got to Sammi she put the real thing...oh well). Next we went to the library where we looked at children's books in other languages (mainly Arabic) and made up stories...I must stay, they were some interesting books.

The loveliest of days

Maybe turn on some Animal Collective? 

Today was an absolutely lovely day, sunny but not too hot either. The grass was the greenest of greens, and it put me in the mood to take pictures. Speaking of which, I got a lovely new camera. It's my first film camera, a Canon AE-1. It came with 3 lenses and a flash, all for $50 on craigslist! I've been snapping away pictures, and can't wait to finish the roll and see how they are!

Another reason for today's loveliness was me obtaining my license! I took the driving part a few days ago after much procrastination and passed, but I failed the written test which I retook today after a bit of studying. It's so exhilarating to drive by myself, with the window down and Coldplay playing as loud as I please.

The music of life

         

Take a listen to Bebe

Lazy Rivers

I could spend every day floating down a river. I really could.
Today I ventured out to the Clackmas river with some friends of my moms, and even though they were all at least twice my age and strangers I ended up having a fabulous time.
On the river time stands still, the past is forgotten and the future extends only to the next bend in the river.
Leaning back with the sun on my face, I just live.

Dream Labyrinths

I've been having really odd dreams lately; the other night I dreamt I was in a huge building full of winding corridors and stairs. I was being chased by all these bad guys, and was trying to escape and help others escape too...strange.
I did see Inception the other day which was pretty ok, so maybe that has something to do with it....

If you haven't heard of her, go check out Lykke Li. Right now. She's fantastic. When I first discovered her, I listened to her for like a month straight.

The Best Part of Portland

is by far, the music scene. I could probably go out any night and find a good band playing somewhere. As it is, I've started to branch out from the typical concerts at the Wonder and Crystal ballrooms, opting instead for more local schindings at cafes, etc.
Friday and Saturday night there was this 2 night music festival going on with a total of at least 10 bands playing. Located in a dingy building surrounded by concrete and broken glass, from the outside Rotture looks, to the untrained eye, like some shady bar or strip club with is pink lights. Once inside though, it's just another place to loose yourself to the music, brick walls strewn with some out of place streamers and a bunch of white balloons floating around. In both cases as the night wore on the music as well as the crowd got progressively better, a seething mass of bodies there to dance away the night.

From the dorky DJ to the sulky singer in Fake Drugs to the members of Wampire who stripped to their underwear, it was a very Portland event.

I mostly went for Wampire, Fake Drugs, and Deelay Ceelay, and ended up also liking Copy and Strength. 

Summer afternoons